


Castle, Queen's Side

by baroque_mongoose



Category: Girl Genius
Genre: Gen, Major Illness, Mild Language, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-27
Updated: 2014-11-27
Packaged: 2018-02-27 05:35:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2680997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baroque_mongoose/pseuds/baroque_mongoose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After all this time, Agatha has still not produced an heir, and Castle Heterodyne finally runs out of patience.  The first opportunity it has when both Gil and Tarvek are present to help Agatha sort out a minor war, it traps them both in the seraglio until Agatha makes up her mind.</p>
<p>If it had been content to stop there, it might well not have annoyed the Jägers quite so much.  Even Castle Heterodyne ought to think twice about doing that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Castle, Queen's Side

**Author's Note:**

> If you love Ardsley Wooster, I'd probably better warn you here that he's not a well man in this story. If you've been reading the last few stories, you'll have seen it coming, but if you haven't, I don't want to upset anyone.

“Absolutely not, Gil,” I said firmly. “That is to say, we're all very happy to come to Mechanicsburg with you, but there is no way my family will be staying in Castle Heterodyne. We'll stay in the town.”

“But Agatha's got plenty of room in there,” Gil protested. “You know she has.”

“Yes, Gil,” I said. “I've been in Castle Heterodyne. More to the point, I've been underneath it, and I still have nightmares about it to this day. I am _not_ letting the children inside what is, for all practical purposes, an enormous ancient clank with something like fifteen different personalities and probably about twenty different mental problems, most of them likely to be fatal to the unwary.”

“Yes, well, I do realise it has some issues,” Gil admitted, “but Agatha's there. She's in charge. It does what she tells it.”

“Mostly. And I understand that it can... shall we say... interpret what she says in a very inventive fashion, when the mood takes it. Frankly, Gil, saying that Castle Heterodyne has some issues is rather like saying that the Atlantic Ocean is a trifle damp at times, and that's before we even start on the undead Heterodyne vampires and other unexpected inhabitants.”

“Unexpected?”

“I was being polite,” I said. “And I should probably have referred to them as denizens.”

Gil sighed. “Well, do what you want, but I'll be staying there.”

“You're a spark, you're heavily armed all the time, and you're in love with Agatha,” I replied. “Naturally you'd want to stay. I think I'm going to take those rooms over Mamma Gkika's.”

Gil raised an eyebrow. “Won't that be a bit noisy, Ardsley?”

I shook my head. “I've been in them. The sound insulation is... well. Sound. And I'm already friendly with most of the Jägers, although I don't know Mamma Gkika personally. It will be the safest place in town for the children.”

“Can't argue with that, I suppose,” said Gil. “You'll like Mamma, I think. She's quite a character. Are you going to bring NIMROD?”

“I certainly am,” I replied. “I'll have to go into the Castle myself at some point, and I want him with me when I do.”

Gil eyed me sidelong. “You really are frightened of the Castle, aren't you?”

“Of course I am,” I replied. “If I weren't, I'd be either insane or a spark. The place is an animated death trap.” I absently poured another cup of tea.

“You do realise you've had five cups of tea in the last half hour or so?”

“I wasn't counting,” I said, “but I'm thirsty.”

I wrote to Mamma Gkika about the rooms once I returned to the Embassy. This was business rather than pleasure; Agatha was fending off Martellus von Blitzengaard, who really had no idea when to give up, and she had called in Gil and Tarvek as reinforcements. Technically I had no business at all there, but both Gil and Agatha wanted me there in case they managed to shift the state of affairs from war to diplomacy, and Whitehall, for reasons which were still a little murky to me, appeared to be equally keen on that idea. I really had not expected to get clearance. Indeed, to be quite honest, I had not wanted to go at all, and therefore I had hoped not to get it, although I had duly written off for it to please Gil. I did not find out until a little later that they were expecting von Blitzengaard to try to assassinate Gil while he was in Mechanicsburg, and they thought I would be the best person to have on the spot to foil any plots in that direction.

Mechanicsburg itself would be safe enough. Agatha could hold that easily without our help. It was the surrounding area that was vulnerable. Von Blitzengaard would be hoping to get a stranglehold over that and leave Mechanicsburg isolated, forcing Agatha to agree to his demands, which would include marrying him. However, he was no match for all three sets of forces; this would not be a long war.

When we arrived, the first thing I did was to settle Lucilla and the children in the rooms at Mamma Gkika's. Since the only female Jäger I had met up to now was Jenka, who is small, feline, soft-voiced and deadly, I think I must have been half expecting Gkika to be similar, and consequently I was a little surprised at her general aspect. She turned out to be tall and exuberant, with a commanding voice and an eye-wateringly tight corset.

“Ho, so hyu iz Lord Heversham, who vos der Mister Vooster all my boys tok about!” she said. “Iz goot to meet hyu. Und hyu family. Hyu very velcome here, very velcome indeed. Come on up und see de rooms.”

We followed her up a winding spiral staircase. “Do you know Dimo and Maxim and Oggie?” asked Agatha, my elder daughter.

Gkika beamed at her. “Of course hy know dem, sveethot. Hy known dem for over two hundred years now. Dey is old friends.”

Agatha grinned. “Does that mean you fight with them sometimes?”

“Schmot keed,” said Gkika.

Lucilla laughed. “She is. She takes after her father.”

The rooms proved to be simple but comfortable, and, once everyone was sorted out and the unpacking had started, I went back down with Gkika to collect NIMROD, who had been waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. He wagged his mechanical tail; I was quite aware that he did not need to do that, but he rather seemed to enjoy pretending to be a real dog at times.

“Iz vun of de Mistress' clenks, ja?” asked Gkika.

I nodded. “Yes. She gave him to Lucilla and myself as a wedding present.”

“Iz a schveetie.” Gkika patted him on the head. “So, hyu goink to der Kestle?”

“Er, yes, I am,” I replied. “That's why I brought NIMROD. I've been there once, and I don't mind admitting I don't like the place at all. I don't feel safe in there, even with Agatha in charge. She can't be everywhere.”

“Ja, vell, der Kestle got some fonny hebits,” Gkika admitted equably. She looked at me thoughtfully. “Hyu know... hy dun vant to intrude, but iz hyu all right?”

I blinked. “You mean about the Castle? Yes. I've got to go in there, so I'll go. I don't like it, but I've done far worse things in my time.”

“Didn't mean dot, dollink. Hy mean, hyu dun look vell.”

“Oh, I'm just tired,” I replied, “but thank you for your concern.”

That bothered me all the way to the Castle. I would not have been so worried if I had not known very well that Gkika was the nearest thing the Jägers had to a doctor, and was also well used to treating human patients. However, when I did reach the Castle, I immediately felt a lot better, for there, waiting to greet me, was my old friend Dimo. I relaxed. Whatever other tricks it might play, I knew the Castle never messed about with the Jägers, partly because it knew they were totally loyal to Agatha, and partly, I have no doubt, because Agatha would take it apart and re-assemble it into a public convenience if it did.

“Hey,” he said. “Goot to see hyu. Und der liddle doggie.”

“You too, Dimo,” I replied. “You're looking well.”

“Hy hear hyu got a liddle Earl now,” he said. “Did hyu bring heem?”

“Yes, all the family's here, but at Mamma Gkika's,” I replied. “I'm not bringing them into the Castle. I'm sure you'll get a chance to meet them later. By the way, he's not actually a little Earl; I'm afraid I've got to die first.”

Dimo scratched his chin. “Ho. Vell, ve dun vant dot.”

A voice suddenly echoed around us, causing me to draw back a little in surprise. “Well, well,” it boomed. “Who have we here? I do believe I know your voice.”

“We have met before,” I replied cautiously.

“Ohhhh, yes. The Englishman. Woodville, wasn't it?”

“Wooster,” I said. “But I'm now Lord Heversham.”

“Really? Not someone's minion, then? You seemed like quite promising minion material when I met you. And if I recall correctly, you're quite amusing when you're scared.” The Castle laughed; it was not a pleasant sound. “Yes. I remember the Mistress talking about drilling holes in your head so that she could talk to me through you.”

“She did apologise for that later,” I said, as calmly as I could manage. If the Castle thought I was amusing when I was scared, that did not bode at all well for the rest of the visit.

“Tch,” said the Castle. It sounded annoyed and rather disappointed.

“Ho, shot op, hyu beeg tvisted pile of schtones,” said Dimo. “Dis guy vos a beeg help to de Mistress und he iz our friend. He iz der friend of all de Jägers. Hyu giff him any trouble, hy make sure hyu get some back.”

“Oh, don't get your knickers in a knot,” the Castle grumbled. “I didn't say I'd hurt him.”

“Hyu dun haff to hurt him to giff him trouble. Hy know vot hyu like. Hyu varped.”

“I'm not warped!” the Castle huffed. “I'm just non-Euclidean.”

Dimo knocked on a door. “Come in,” Agatha called from within. Dimo opened it and grinned from ear to ear.

“Hy brought hyu favourite diplomat,” he announced. “Und hy told der Kestle vot vos vot.”

Agatha rolled her eyes. “I'm sorry, Ardsley. I did tell it to leave my guests alone. It didn't hurt you, did it?”

“No, it didn't even really get round to threatening me,” I assured her. “Dimo had some strong words with it before it could get into its stride. Good to see you again, Agatha.”

“You too... but you're looking a bit peaky, I've got to say. Still, I've got a new chef. If you're not a little plumper by the time you leave here, I'll be very surprised. His pastries are something else.” She grinned. “Have a seat while we wait for the boys.”

“I thought they'd be here already?” I asked, sitting down. Dimo left us with a nod, closing the door behind him.

“They are. They're just in the library at the moment. They'll be along in a minute or two.”

I raised an eyebrow at her. “Did you send a Jäger along with them?”

“You... really don't trust my castle at all, do you?” she said, clearly a little amused.

“It has hardly given me any reason to do so,” I replied. “Especially considering the fact that it has not only a mind of its own, but several. And all of them have psychopathic tendencies.”

“Well, they're sparks. They should be fine. You know, I think I'm going to order some of those pastries while we're waiting, because honestly, you look half starved these days. What's your cook playing at?”

“My cook is very good,” I assured her. “I just... run around a lot, I suppose.”

She rang a bell, and a minion appeared. “Can we have a big plate of pastries up here, please?” Agatha asked. “Oh, and I seem to recall that the Ambassador here likes chocolate – that's right, isn't it, Ardsley?” I nodded. “Good. So make sure there are plenty of the ones with the chocolate in the middle.”

The minion hurried off. “Some things don't change,” said Agatha, with a grin. “I've got this vivid little memory of when we were all on the Wyrm of Limerick and they brought in some chocolate biscuits. You should have seen the way your eyes lit up.”

I laughed. “The Wyrm of Limerick! That's going back a while. Did you ever get that bag back?”

She shook her head. “No, but it wasn't so important. I bought a new one in Paris. Are you still in touch with that monk from St Szpac?”

“Brother Finn? No, he died, I'm afraid. He was old, after all.”

Agatha sighed. “And after all this time, we're still dealing with that idiot Martellus. I wish he'd just give up and call it a day.”

“Well, he does still want to marry you,” I pointed out.

“He can get to the back of the queue, then,” said Agatha. “Right to the back. You don't impress a lady by messing with her body chemistry so that she's either got to be near you all the time or walk round with a weasel in her hair.”

Not for the first time, I found myself reflecting that ordinary everyday romance was quite complicated enough without going into the additional baroque intricacies which tended to arise when both parties were sparks. “It was a nice weasel,” I said. “No trouble at all.”

“Yes, it was a lovely weasel, but still, it's the principle of the thing. Now, where have those boys got to?”

“I did suggest you should perhaps have sent a Jäger with them,” I said.

She looked up. “Castle?”

“Yes, Mistress?”

“You haven't... done anything... with Gil and Tarvek, I trust?” There were some harmonics in her voice which hinted at becoming dangerous if pushed.

“Oh, not done anything, as such. They're perfectly safe. Quite unharmed.”

“Castle. You are being evasive. Where are they, and why aren't they here?”

“I have merely put them in the seraglio,” replied the Castle.

“I don't want them in the seraglio. I want them here. We have a war to consider. All right, I will admit, perhaps not a very serious war, but still a war.”

“Mistress,” said the Castle. “My function is to serve the Heterodyne family. Part of that function is to ensure that it continues. You are... not as young as you were. Soon, it will be too late for you to produce an heir.” It paused. “I have been exceedingly patient. I have waited until I could get your two preferred choices of consort. I would not fob you off with any old male such as this one.”

“Hey!” shouted Agatha. “Granted, I've never been in love with him, but Ardsley is not 'any old male'. He's a very old and respected friend.”

“He is any old male for Heterodyne purposes, and well you know it, Mistress,” replied the Castle inexorably. “He does appear to be quite intelligent, but he is not a spark, and he's so afraid of me he won't walk through me without a Jäger to look after him. He would be a perfectly useless consort.”

“I love you too, Castle,” I snarled. “Besides, I'm a happily married man.”

The Castle laughed. “That has not bothered a good number of the Mistress' ancestors.”

“Oh, thank you _so_ much,” said Agatha. “Air all the family's dirty laundry in front of Ardsley, why don't you.”

“I assure you, I don't hold you responsible for the sins of your ancestors,” I said.

“Well... no, clearly you don't, or if you had any sense you wouldn't go near me,” she admitted. “But, Castle. I need Gil and Tarvek to be here, not in the seraglio. You will let them go. Now.”

“Not until you have chosen,” replied the Castle. “Choose one. Choose both. Marry them or not. I don't care. But I will no longer wait and run the risk of the line dying out. You must have an heir. Honestly, is that such a difficult thing to ask?”

“Dammit, Castle, I'm ordering you!”

“And I am not _only_ responsible to _you.”_

“May I suggest, Castle,” I said, “that you might release them now on condition that Agatha makes her choice once we have finished discussing the war?”

“Ever the diplomat,” said Agatha, approvingly. “Good thought, Ardsley.”

“No, you may not,” retorted the Castle. “Silly little man.”

Agatha flared. “What's wrong with Ardsley's suggestion? And I'm fed up with you insulting my friends.”

“Well, really. In the good old days, no Heterodyne would have _had_ a friend like that.”

“No, of course they wouldn't,” I said, “because no decent person would have wanted to be friends with any of them. You're behind the times, Castle. You're not dealing with a bunch of power-mad, bloodthirsty lunatics now. You're dealing with a good Heterodyne, and it's about time you decided you were going to accept that and like it.”

“H'mmm,” the Castle rumbled. “So you will talk back to me, after all. You've got a bit more about you than I thought.”

“Told you,” said Agatha smugly. “Now. Gil and Tarvek.”

“Yes. In the seraglio, quite safe. Go and choose, and then we'll talk.”

“Oh, I'm going,” said Agatha determinedly. “If you won't let them out of the seraglio, then fine! We'll just have to have the council of war there. Come on, Ardsley.”

“You are not taking him!” boomed the Castle.

“You try to stop me, and I'll have you painted pink,” Agatha threatened. “With floral stencils.”

“You wouldn't.”

“I would, and you know it. Ardsley is coming with me. There will not be any argument about that. I can choose afterwards.”

I followed her along the corridor, NIMROD rolling along obediently at my heels. “Um... Ardsley,” she said. “I'd probably better warn you about the art in the seraglio. You, er, might want to take your spectacles off when we go in there.”

“Ah. Thank you for the warning,” I replied.

“Yeah... well, some of it disturbs me, and I'm not even British. My ancestors really weren't inclined to leave anything to the imagination.”

“It's just biology when all's said and done,” observed the Castle.

“Nobody asked for your opinion,” said Agatha.

“Urgh,” I said.

“What?” asked Agatha.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to react aloud. It's just that... there's some more biology over there.” I waved a hand in the direction of a portrait of some ancient Heterodyne apparently engaged in some fairly basic anatomical study on one of his fallen enemies with an axe.

“Oh, yeah. That. I keep meaning to put a curtain over it. Sorry.”

“You are not putting a curtain over Robur Heterodyne!” the Castle protested.

“Look, I'll leave a hole for his face, how's that?” said Agatha. “Castle, you are the limit.”

“The artistic rendering of the intestines...” the Castle began.

“Aaargh!” I yelped, as the floor vanished under me.

“CASTLE!” shouted Agatha.

Against all expectation, I was not hurt. It was dark around me, but I could see Agatha's face peering down at me from the lighted slit above; however, something soft and unseen with disturbing hints of tentacularity had broken my fall, and I had landed on what appeared to be a mattress.

“Not my fault if the fool set off one of the traps,” the Castle grumbled. “He should have been looking where he was going.”

“Ardsley!” Agatha called. “Are you all right down there?”

“I'm not hurt,” I replied. “I'm on a mattress, I think.”

“Ah!” exclaimed the Castle happily. “Oh yes. One of _those_ traps. Haven't had one of those go off in ages.”

“Perhaps,” said Agatha dangerously, “you would care to elaborate on that? Especially considering the fact that I ordered you to deactivate all the traps before my guests arrived?”

“I... might have forgotten that one.”

“Oh, don't insult my intelligence, you overgrown shed. You did that deliberately.”

“Well, I'm not having that prissy Englishman in the seraglio. Really!”

“And I am. If that's where I've got to have my council of war, then that is where Ardsley will have to be. And you haven't yet explained to me about the trap.”

“Yes, well,” said the Castle. “That's the kind where they land safely and think they're all right, except that they can't get out, and then the walls move in on them so slowly that you can't see them moving. But they have all these very long spikes, so whoever is in the trap gets impaled to death very, very slowly. Usually over three or four days, if they don't die of thirst first.”

“Stop the spikes,” ordered Agatha.

“But...”

“I said, stop them!”

“Awww,” said the Castle. “You never let me have any fun.”

I heard footsteps above. “Von Zinzer!” said Agatha. “Come here a moment. We need a bit of help.”

Von Zinzer! I knew he was there, of course, but I had almost forgotten him.

“Someone in the trap, ma'am?” asked von Zinzer.

“Yes. It's Ardsley. I mean, the Ambassador.”

“Ardsley? What, you don't mean Ardsley Wooster, do you?”

“Yes, him, but he's Lord Heversham now. Can you bring a rope and get him out?”

“Well, b... I mean, bless my soul,” said von Zinzer. “Him a lord? I remember him very well from Castle Wulfenbach. He used to starch his drawers.”

“That was my shirts, you cad,” I called up at him.

“Oh. Er. Sorry, my lord. Well, they all look the same in the laundry.”

That, I reflected, explained a good deal about von Zinzer's dress sense.

A rope was duly brought, secured, and thrown down to me. I caught it and began to climb... or, at least, I tried to do so.

“Oh,” I said. “Er... this is embarrassing, but... I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to pull me out. I can't climb this.”

“You can't?” said Agatha, disbelievingly. “But... you were a spy. You were always doing things like that.”

“He was a...? Oh, now _that_ explains a lot,” said von Zinzer, who was very much behind the times.

“I was always doing things like that when I was younger, I think you mean,” I replied.

“But you're only... what? Forty-three now? And it's certainly not as though you're carrying any surplus weight,” Agatha protested.

“Yes, I am only forty-three,” I replied heavily, “but I don't think I'm ageing very well, and I can't do it. Please. Just pull me out.”

“I think it's more than not ageing very well,” said Agatha. “I think you possibly ought to see a doctor.”

“I do, regularly,” I said.

“Right. Well, you're going to see my doctor this time. Just to put everyone's mind at rest. A second opinion is a good thing, right? Tie the rope under your arms, and von Zinzer and NIMROD will get you out.”

They did. I must have cut a rather undignified figure as I was pulled out of the hole, but at least I was safe and on firm ground again, or at any rate as firm as anything in that wretched castle ever was. “Thank you,” I said, relieved.

“Oh, you're welcome, my lord,” said von Zinzer. “Good grief, though. I'd never have recognised you.”

“I would certainly have recognised you, for you have hardly changed,” I replied. “A little greyer, but then so am I.”

“Oooh!” exclaimed the Castle suddenly. “Oh, this is turning out to be an excellent day. I have just caught an intruder.”

“What sort of intruder, Castle?” Agatha demanded.

“Big fellow. Funny hair. Insists you're his bride. Shall I put him in the seraglio with the others?”

“Aaaaargh,” said Agatha. “No. Absolutely not. With extra negative.”

“Ah, so you do know him?”

“Yes. From your description, that sounds very much like Martellus von Blitzengaard.”

“Aha! And he is also a powerful spark? I really think I should put him in the seraglio.”

“For goodness' sake, Castle,” I said, recovering my equilibrium a little. “You're not stupid, whatever else you are. Do you think you could manage to think of political considerations for just one moment? Von Blitzengaard is a very dangerous man. Not only is marrying him the last thing Agatha wants to do, but she'd be an idiot if she did, and she is certainly no idiot.”

“I didn't say she had to _marry_ him,” said the Castle. “All we need is an heir.”

“Dammit, Castle, people have feelings!” snapped Agatha. “It's not like you're breeding prize cattle here.”

“And even if you were,” I added, “the mere fact that von Blitzengaard has got in here is proof positive that he has finally, if I may put it colloquially, lost his one remaining marble. Do you really want the father of your next heir to be a dangerous lunatic?”

“Why not? It's been good enough for the Heterodynes for the last several hundred years,” the Castle retorted.

“'Fraid you rather walked into that one, my lord,” von Zinzer observed, shaking his head.

“Yes. Well. I'm not at my best at the moment, von Zinzer.”

“Look,” said Agatha. “I don't much care where you put von Blitzengaard as long as it's somewhere he can't escape from and it is not, repeat, watch my lips, not the seraglio. Or anywhere else where Gil and Tarvek are. I will deal with him later. Right now, though...”

“Right now,” I pointed out, “we are supposed to be having a council of war; but if von Blitzengaard is captive somewhere in the Castle, I am not entirely sure that council is quite as urgent as it was.”

“See?” the Castle crowed.

“...point,” Agatha admitted. “Er... well, then. Von Zinzer, take his lordship to the Jägers' common room. He'll be safe there.”

Von Zinzer stared at me in astonishment, and with a certain respect which had not previously been there. “Yes, ma'am,” he said.

“And then send for Dr Strudelbäcker,” Agatha continued.

“I'm all right,” I protested.

“Yes, but I'd just like to be easy in my own mind about that,” said Agatha. “I know you think you're all right, but, honestly, I can see why von Zinzer wouldn't have recognised you.”

I was duly led off to see the Jägers; Dimo was still on gate duty, but both Maxim and Oggie were there, and I spent a very happy half hour or so catching up with them until Dr Strudelbäcker arrived and ushered me into a side room. He examined me, asked me a lot of questions (including several about my eyesight, which puzzled me somewhat), and then called for Maxim to take me off to the great Mechanicsburg Hospital for some tests. By the end of the day, I had a firm diagnosis. I was, to say the least, startled; but, although it is quite a serious condition, it is manageable as it stands. If they had not caught it when they did, it might perhaps not have been, but there is no need to think about that.

I returned to Mamma Gkika's with a good deal on my mind. Upstairs in our rooms, I found Lucilla sitting by the fire; the children were all in bed, and she was reading.

“Ah, there you are, darling!” she said, looking up. “So how is the war?”

“No war, I think,” I replied. “Von Blitzengaard was foolish enough to try to get into the castle. He used to have some tactical acumen, but not now, it seems. I have no idea what he was thinking.”

“You look grave, nonetheless,” she observed.

“Yes. I have had something of a shock.” I sat down, and explained what had happened. “And so,” I finished, “it appears that I have diabetes. It seems I have had it for at least the last three years.”

Her eyes widened. “Three years?”

“Indeed. You remember how I lost my distance vision very rapidly? That, it seems, was the first symptom. Dr Strudelbäcker was not very pleased with my doctor. He said he should have sent me for tests immediately at that point. But since both he and my optician said it was merely presbyopia, I thought nothing of it. It is true that presbyopia normally affects close vision more than distance vision, but since I do a lot of close work, they thought that my habitual focal distance had got stuck at a nearer point than most people's.”

“So, what can be done about it?” That was Lucilla in a nutshell. Naturally she was upset, but her practical nature always came to the fore in difficult situations.

“It can be managed,” I replied. “Mostly through diet. I must, I fear, give up cakes, biscuits and puddings from now on; I cannot digest sugar properly. This is a great pity, since Agatha has just taken on a new chef whose speciality is, apparently, pastries. But it can hardly be helped.”

She frowned. “I hope you can still eat something substantial, because you are very thin these days, Ardsley.”

“Yes; I have a diet sheet from the hospital.” I took it out of my pocket and handed it over.

She studied it. “Ah! Now I know what we are aiming for, I think we can help you get your weight back to normal with the aid of this. I'll talk to the cook as soon as we're back at the Embassy. And here, I suppose, I had better have a word with Mamma Gkika.”

“I'll talk to her,” I promised. “She told me I wasn't looking well when I left here earlier today, so I probably ought to tell her myself that actually I'm not. Still – it's not the end of the world. I should live a long time yet.”

“And what about Agatha?” asked Lucilla curiously. “How do you think she will choose?”

“I'm... not entirely sure I want to think about that at this point, darling,” I replied. “All I can say is that I would really not wish to be in her shoes.”

I really should not have made the mistake of underestimating Agatha. After all, I have known her for long enough, and I should also have remembered about von Blitzengaard. When Gil called for us the next morning to say that we were going home, he was grinning.

“Agatha got her own back,” he said, cryptically.

“What?” I said.

“Ah,” replied Gil. “Sorry. I should have remembered you'd still be a bit shaken. I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis, old fellow. That's rough.”

“It could have been a great deal worse,” I replied. “And now we know what's wrong with me, we can take steps to deal with it. I confess I'm going to miss the cakes and biscuits, but at least it's not something like cancer.”

“I did wonder if you had something wrong, since you've been so tired all the time lately,” Gil admitted. “But you always insisted you were all right.”

“I thought I was,” I replied. “But, anyway... Agatha?”

“Yes, indeed. There will be a Heterodyne heir, so the Castle is now happy, or at least as happy as the damned thing ever is,” said Gil.

I blinked. “Yours or Tarvek's, may I ask?”

“Oh, that's the beauty of it,” replied Gil, his grin returning. “Both.”

“Both... how?”

“I believe you've forgotten von Blitzengaard's speciality?” said Gil mildly.

“Oh,” I said. “Oh! Of course! It's obvious now you say that.”

“Not to me, it isn't,” said Lucilla, from behind me.

“Von Blitzengaard specialises in modifying biological material,” I explained. “If you recall, darling, he did something to Agatha's body chemistry to try to ensure that she was physically unable to leave his side, but she successfully circumvented that by modifying one of the Wasp Eaters to substitute for him. So if the Castle insisted that Agatha produced an heir, and she couldn't choose between Gil and Tarvek to be the father, and she had von Blitzengaard on hand...”

“Ah,” said Lucilla. “Now I understand what you mean when you said she got her own back, Gil. I thought for a moment you meant on the Castle.”

“Oh no. On von Blitzengaard. She'd have kept him in the dungeons for life if he hadn't agreed to it.” Gil chuckled. “Serve him damn well right. Needless to say, all three of us were watching him like hawks just to ensure he didn't slip any of his own genetic material into the mix; it's in all the cells of the body, so a drop of blood would have done, but no, there'll be no von Blitzengaard in the next owner of that troublesome castle.”

“H'mm,” said Lucilla. “It does sound very complicated for sparks. I can't help thinking I much prefer the usual way.”

I blushed scarlet. “Lucilla!”

Gil laughed. “You'd be in some trouble if she didn't, Ardsley.”

“Yes. Well. What's happening about von Blitzengaard now? Is she just going to let him go?”

“Well, after a fashion. Put it this way. We made him sign a treaty of non-aggression, and Tarvek invented a really _ingenious_ little device that'll get him if he does attack any of us. I'm really glad I'm not a member of that family, I've got to say.”

I shook my head. “I am still absolutely amazed that he thought he could get anywhere by sneaking into Castle Heterodyne. Surely he knows what that place is like by now. Everyone does.”

“He's a powerful spark. Thought he could take it on by convincing it that he was the only fit consort for Agatha,” replied Gil, with a shrug. “He gambled. He lost.”

“I think I can see where he was coming from,” Lucilla mused. “If he'd won, he'd have taken Mechanicsburg. He wouldn't have stood a chance of doing that otherwise. He must have thought it was worth the risk.”

“Well,” said Gil, “you're probably right, but that's all academic now. We're going home.”

“Not yet, hyu not,” said Gkika's voice behind him. “De boys not seen de liddle vun yet.”

Dimo, Maxim and Oggie came up the stairs behind her. “Hey!” said Dimo. “Countess. Goot to see hyu.”

“Hallo, Dimo,” said Lucilla. “And Maxim and Oggie. Lovely to see you again. So you'd like to see our little Gilbert, would you?”

“Ja!” said Oggie. “Hy knitted him dis.” He held up a tiny jacket.

“Und hy made dis,” said Maxim, a little shyly. “He not beeg enough to play vit it yet, but hyu ken keep it for vhen he is a liddle older.” He produced a wooden top, beautifully turned and painted.

Dimo brought his hand out from behind his back. “Might be a bit beeg for him,” he said, “but if he not goink to be anodder Earl yet, he better haff his own hat to be goink on vit.”

It definitely was going to be too big for him; on the other hand, it was a leather shako, and so it ought to last until it did fit him. “Thank you all,” I said.

Lucilla ushered them through to look at the baby, and I was left with Gil and Gkika. “Oh, Gkika,” I said. “You were right when you said I didn't look well yesterday. Apparently I'm not. I didn't know at the time.”

“Ja? Glad hyu got hyuself checked up,” she replied. “Vot vos it?”

“Diabetes.”

“Ho. Dat's a pity. Hyu von't be able to haff dose pastries.” She gave me a sympathetic look. “But, he is not der only goot cook in dis town. Hy pretty goot, too. Und hy reckon hy do der best casserole in Mechanicsburg. Hyu come back here some day und try it, hey?”

“I'd love to,” I said. “Thank you, Gkika.”

“You know,” said Gil thoughtfully, “I used to have a Jäger chef who was outstandingly good. He left just before you became Ambassador, Ardsley. I always rather wondered about that.” He looked at me sidelong. “Especially when I later discovered you two knew each other.”

“Ah,” I said, with a deliberately wooden expression. “You mean Ottokar.”

“Yes. He went straight to England, where he settled. I suppose you couldn't possibly comment on that?”

“Who, me?” I asked.

Gil laughed. “I thought probably not. Oh well. So he really was a British spy. He was a good one, then; but I think I can forgive him for that, because his cooking was out of this world.”

“A Jäger? Spyink for Britain?” asked Gkika.

“Well, he was the last person anyone would expect,” I pointed out. “And considering I'd been rumbled and therefore had to be replaced... well, let's just say it couldn't really be anyone who was remotely similar to me.”

“Hy bet hyu vere de vun vot tot of dat,” said Gkika, laughing throatily.

“Well, I did suggest it,” I admitted. “I was a little surprised that they took me up on it, even so, considering the fact that they weren't at all pleased with me at the time.”

“Ja,” said Gkika. “All de boys say hyu a schmot vun. Dey not wrong.”

“There's got to be a story behind why he agreed to do it in the first place,” said Gil, “but you can tell me that on the flyer, I think. It's time we were all away. Not that I don't want to stay with Agatha, but you'd have to go back whatever happened, because your clearance is for the war and that's effectively over.”

I nodded. “Yes. Well, I'm very glad to have met you at last, Gkika, and perhaps next time we'll be able to stay a little longer.”

“Ja, hy hope so,” she said. “Boys? Come on. Dey got to go.”

“I'll see to the packing,” said Lucilla, emerging behind the Jägers. “You'll want to go and say goodbye to Agatha while you've got the boys here to escort you.”

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yes, it's no trouble. The girls can help.”

“All right,” said Gil. “That won't take long. I'll wait on the flyer.”

So Dimo, Maxim and Oggie escorted me back to Castle Heterodyne. “Ah,” it said, as we entered. “You again?”

“Indeed,” I replied. “I've come to say goodbye to Agatha. Gil and I are leaving.”

“Und ve heard vot hyu did yesterday,” said Dimo. “Any more tricks und hyu goink to be sorry.”

“Everyone does overreact,” the Castle complained. “I mean, look at him. Is he hurt? No. So why all the fuss?”

“Hyu dun get it, do hyu,” said Maxim angrily.

“Ja,” said Oggie. “Hyu a pile of schtones. Hyu dun know vot it feels like to be dropped down a hole.”

“Hyu dun know vot it feels like to haff a proper body, even,” Dimo added.

“Und hyu tink pipple vit proper bodies are yust fun to play vit,” said Maxim, warming to the theme. “Like liddle dolls. Hyu dun care vot heppens to dem. Sure, hyu didn't hurt der Earl, but if hyu had, hyu vouldn't haff cared.”

“Hyu did giff him a shock,” said Oggie. “Und he is not a vell man.”

“Oggie, I'm not that bad,” I protested. “I'm not an invalid.”

“No. But hyu vosn't vell enough to climb dat rope,” said Oggie. “Und der Kestle vouldn't have cared if dere had been no-vun vot could pull hyu out.”

“For goodness' sake,” said the Castle, irritably. “You're Jägers, dammit. The most fearsome fighters Europa has ever known. You're just like me. You were created for fire, blood and terror. What's got into the lot of you?”

“If hy effer tot hy vos yust like hyu,” said Maxim, very slowly and deliberately, “hy vould fall on my own sword.”

“Ja,” growled Dimo. “Ve not like hyu. Hyu neffer been human. But ve vere human, vunce. Und ve do not forget.”

“Und ve got friends,” added Oggie. “Und vhen ve got friends, ve mean it. Hyu bet ve do.”

“Vot friends _hyu_ got, Kestle?” snarled Maxim.

There was an awkward pause. Then: “I don't need friends. The very idea!”

“Yust as vell,” said Maxim, “because hyu neffer goink to make any.”

Just for once, the Castle could not think of an answer to that.

Agatha was working in her laboratory when we found her. “Oh, Ardsley!” she said. “Glad you could come and see me before you left. I heard about your diagnosis. I'm very sorry, but at least I'm glad that you now know what's wrong.”

“Yes,” I replied. “Now at least we can manage it.”

“You must be pretty furious with your doctor,” she observed.

“Well, no; anyone can make a mistake,” I replied. “We all do, at some point. It wasn't really obvious, given the slow way it developed. In fact, although both Lucilla and Gil have been telling me I look tired for some time, nobody actually said I looked ill until I came here.” I paused. “And I understand I need to congratulate you on... shall we say... making extremely good use of Martellus von Blitzengaard's talents.”

She laughed. “Well, he had to be some use for something,” she said. “I think it's a rather delightful irony. He's hopping mad, naturally; but then, that's pretty much his default state anyway.”

“Lucilla says you're welcome to write if you'd like any, ah, advice,” I said.

“I'll take her up on that. She's about my age, after all. Thank you.”

“And now, perhaps,” I said, “the Castle will finally shut up on the matter.”

“Assuming everything goes according to plan, yes. Although I did allow for that. I have, shall we say, back-up provision. I won't embarrass you with the fine details of that.” She paused. “You are all right after that fall yesterday? I was so angry with the Castle I could have knocked one of its wings down. It's not as if I need all the space, after all.”

“I'm fine, I assure you. Not even bruised. But, let me tell you, Dimo, Maxim and Oggie gave it a fine verbal roasting on our way over here from the gates. Maxim, in particular, was most splendidly wrathful. I'd say that one was definitely Jägers 1, Castle 0.”

Agatha beamed. “Oh, my wonderful Jäger boys! What on earth would I do without them? Thank you for telling me that, Ardsley. You've just made my day.”

“Harrumph,” said the Castle.

“Your own fault,” I retorted. “If you acted like a decent piece of architecture, you wouldn't make people so angry.”

“Decent pieces of architecture don't _do_ anything, though,” it grumbled. “They just sit there. No fun at all.”

“Ardsley meant morally decent, not the other sort,” said Agatha. “H'mm. You know, I do wonder. I think I may well now be at the stage where I could think about starting to reprogram you.”

“What? No!” the Castle yelped. “That would be incredibly unwise. You need me as I am in order to use my unique defensive capabilities...”

“Ah, but do I, now?” said Agatha. I recognised that glitter in her eyes, and backed gently away towards the door. She had indeed apologised for the suggestion of drilling holes in my head, and as sparks went she was probably one of the least insane I knew, but still...

“Must go, I'm afraid,” I murmured. “Gil's waiting for me in the flyer.” I am not at all sure she even heard me.

The Jägers were waiting for me on the other side of the door. “Agatha is about to spark on a major scale,” I warned them. “She's talking about reprogramming the Castle.”

“Goot!” said Maxim, warmly. “Iz about time.”

I could still hear them arguing. “Yes. Well, possibly, but do you think you could manage to get me out of here before she starts? Very quickly?”

Dimo grinned. “Hyu vant qvickly? Hyu got qvickly.”

I must admit I had not quite envisaged being picked up and slung over Dimo's shoulders like a sack, but... well. It certainly was quick. We were at the gates within minutes, and only just in time. There was a tremendous boom from within.

“Ho ja,” said Oggie happily. “De Mistress iz havink fun.”

“Iz genius,” said Dimo, putting me down. “It can't schtop her now or it vill risk harming der heir vot it has taken so much trouble to get.”

He was quite right. Agatha _had_ got her own back on the Castle, after all.


End file.
